ill be the lighter, BURN IT UP

Consciousness is a very interesting idea. I know I have been awake the past 4 days, but I know I have not been myself for the past year and a half. Everything that was going on in my life stopped and this morning was even weirder. I don’t know how I got to work. My doctor finally called me back while I was getting off the bus. I could barely hear him, but I knew from past doctors that if I did agree that this was not a good time, chances are he would forget to call me back, like they all did before.

Doc says the hole is there and that “they” can get me back in this week to continue. What he didn’t ask me is how I feel about a camera going down my throat while I am knocked out. A three hour sonogram in front of an array of students, a technician and 2 nurses was bad enough. Covered in goo, hooked up to an IV with saline pumping into me, I could hear what was supposed to be my heart beat.

Everyone asks: Voula, what’t the next step?

Next step: Camera down my throat. Surgery through my groin. I feel like I am being violated. I feel like I should go on a date with my doctors before they start this procedure. 

Hi Doctor, my name is Voula. Do you still think I am looking to be sick? Do you finally believe me? I am not crazy. I am glad that there had to be a hole in my heart before anyone stopped and thought about how to approach a young girl with real potential in her future about a medical procedure that someone should have caught before I started grade school. It’s okay doctors, all the letters behind your names and the money you paid for them can cause you to forget that you are not better than everyone else. Reality:  it really doesn’t give you the right to ever treat any human being like you have all treated me. I forgive you. But now that you are going to keep using my body as a learning experience for the future generation of assholes, please respect me.

Thanks. Now you can go ahead and carry on with the tests.

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  1. We have to keep in mind that the medical profesion is one of the few were 2 2 most of the time does not equal 4; doctors have to establish a rapport between the patient and them in order to understand what is going on; believe me, I know having been married to one for 34 years.

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